


A Love Affair with Guilt

by rockinviolinist



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, MakoRin Week, canon character death, coincidence/confession, though probably not the kind of confession you were thinking of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 02:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5440868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockinviolinist/pseuds/rockinviolinist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t have a destination in mind. He couldn’t go home and freak out his parents, all of his friends were still in the building he desperately needed to escape from, and Rin…</p>
<p>God, he couldn’t face Rin.</p>
<p>----</p>
<p>Makoto confesses to Rin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Love Affair with Guilt

Gou, who had been unusually quiet for most of the day, straightened up suddenly halfway through lunch and started to dig through her backpack.

“Oh! Before I forget, Makoto-senpai. I’m not going to be at practice today, so here’s the training schedule,” she said, holding out a sheet of paper. “I trust you’ll keep them in line.” She glanced at the rest of the team (mainly Nagisa and Haru) and winked, albeit awkwardly.

Makoto took the sheet, frowning slightly at the forced playfulness. “I’ll do my best.”

“Why won’t you be at practice?” Haruka asked, looking annoyed that she would dare do such a thing. Gou pursed her lips slightly, turning to zip up her backpack.

“It’s the anniversary. I’m going with Rin after school.” Makoto, Haru, and Nagisa all looked at her with understanding, and let the subject drop. Well, they tried. 

“The anniversary of what?” Rei asked, not at all catching on to the somber atmosphere. Makoto and Haruka looked slightly scandalized and Nagisa rubbed Rei’s knee as his face turned a stunning shade of pink. “I-I mean, I’m sorry, if that’s too personal, Gou-san!” 

Gou stared for a second with wide red eyes, then slowly closed them and shook her head. “No, it’s fine. There’s no way you could have known. It’s the anniversary of my dad’s death.” Rei’s face turned from embarrassed to concerned, and he tried to hide it with a fake cough. 

“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s alright. It happened such a long time ago, I don’t really even remember him.” She breathed in deeply, a small smile gracing her face as the boys looked at her expectantly, and she turned to face Rei.

“He was a fisherman, and he drowned during a really bad typhoon. His fleet wasn’t that far from shore when it happened. I think it was three kilometers?” She held a hand up to her chin. “I know his fleet left the harbor later than they had planned, but no one really knows why. If they had left in time-”

“They would have made it back before the storm hit,” Rei finished for her. He didn’t notice Makoto stiffen up next to him.

“Yeah.”

The group was quiet for a moment, before Gou clapped her hands together. “Alright, enough of that! I don’t want to ruin everyone’s day with my sob story. I’ll be back at practice tomorrow and you’re gonna swim till your legs fall off!” she announced, one hand pointing in the air triumphantly. Nagisa groaned loudly and flopped down next to her while the color drained from Rei’s face. Haru continued eating his mackerel apathetically. 

All of a sudden, Makoto stood up, and everyone’s eyes turned towards him. His lunch was all packed and all his supplies back in his bag; nobody had even noticed his movements, and he avoided eye contact with any of them as he spoke.

“Sorry, I’m really not feeling well for some reason, so I’m going to head home. Formal practice is cancelled, but you can on your own.” Turning quickly, he disappeared through the door on the roof before anyone could protest.  
______________________

He could barely keep himself together as he made his way out of the school, not bothering to tell his teacher he was leaving. As soon as he made it off school grounds, he was running. 

He didn’t have a destination in mind. He couldn’t go home and freak out his parents, all of his friends were still in the building he desperately needed to escape from, and Rin…

God, he couldn’t face Rin. 

Rin’s father was in that fleet…if only I hadn’t..!

Makoto couldn’t stop the tears streaming down his face, flying behind him as he ran.

It was known by those close to Makoto that he had a deeply rooted fear of the ocean due to the old fisherman drowning during that storm. What wasn’t known, however, was the just as deeply rooted, if not more so, guilt that had plagued Makoto since that day.

Makoto had wanted to see the fisherman one last time that summer before he left to visit his cousins in another city. He had begged the fisherman to wait for him before he set out that day. Makoto ended up being almost an hour late because he had accidentally spilled milk on his drawing and had to do it all over before he could give it to the fisherman. The old man had dutifully waited for him, stalling the entire fleet just for Makoto. 

That was the last time Makoto saw him.

Their fleet was only three kilometers from shore. If Makoto hadn’t been so selfish, if he had woken up earlier or been better at drawing or anything then the fisherman would have made it back in time. He wouldn’t have drowned. 

Rin’s father wouldn’t have drowned either. 

A choked sob tore through his throat.

You killed him. You killed Rin’s dad. You don’t deserve Rin, he’ll hate you, he SHOULD hate you, you caused all this pain you ruined Rin’s family you killed him you killed him you killed him you killed him you killed him you killed him you killed him…!

His shoes were wet. 

Makoto looked up and saw that he was standing on the beach, the tide gently touching his toes. The water further out was smooth, like glass, only small waves greeting him at the shore.

He screamed, gripping his chest as if he could rip his heart straight out of it.  
______________________

The sun was setting on the horizon when Rin found him. He stood back a few feet, taking in the sight of his boyfriend sitting on the sand, knees pulled up to his chest and red, puffy eyes glazed over, hair in disarray and visible tear tracks on his cheeks. He wasn’t responding to his name, so Rin took a few careful steps and placed his hand on Makoto’s shoulder.

Makoto jerked away as if Rin had electrocuted him, scooting backwards in the sand. Rin felt tears prickle his eyes at seeing Makoto like this, but he refused to let them fall. Instead, he took a deep breath and kneeled down in the sand.

“Haru told me what happened.” Makoto wouldn’t meet his eyes. “He said Gou had told everyone what happened to my dad, and you just got up and left. He’s worried.” Letting some sand fall through his fingertips, he added, “I am too.”

Makoto flinched again, and Rin waited a minute before he spoke.

“Is this about your fear of the ocean? Because what happened-”

“I killed your dad.”

The shell in Rin’s hand fell back to the ground with a small thump. “What?”

Makoto stared straight at the ocean as he continued. “I was the reason the fleet left the harbor so late. The old fisherman waited for me because I wouldn’t be able to see him the rest of the summer and I had a gift for him, but I was late so they got caught in the storm and your father died because of me.”

Rin opened and closed his mouth, but no sound came out. He could see Makoto trembling, though he didn’t take his eyes off the water. 

“Makoto, it’s not,” he tried, but he was cut off.

“No Rin, it is.” He inhaled deeply and tried to stand up on shaking limbs. “I should go, I’m sorry.” Rin reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“Makoto, wait-”

“I can’t stay here.”

“It wasn’t your fault!” Rin yelled, but Makoto was having none of it, repeatedly trying to yank his hand out of Rin’s grasp. Rin only tightened his grip, using both hands to trying and keep Makoto with him.

Makoto suddenly looked angry. “Don’t lie to me, Rin!”

Rin froze, staring up at the taller man, not recognizing the anguish that contorted his features. 

“It was my fault! I made an entire fleet wait for me because I was so selfish!” His voice cracked horribly, raw from screaming at the ocean.

“So you’re just gonna leave me then?” Rin whispered, so quietly that it could have been lost in the ocean breeze. “Cause that seems pretty fucking selfish to me.” 

Makoto froze, staring at Rin, who didn’t speak again until Makoto had lowered his wrist, which Rin rubbed with his thumb.

“You were a child, Makoto. He was your friend and you wanted to give him something to remember you by. And he loved you enough to wait for you. There’s nothing selfish there. Nothing.” Makoto was still breathing haggardly, chest rising and falling and catching. Rin pressed on.

“I’m sad that he’s gone. And I miss him every day,” Rin whispered. “But nobody knew about the storm. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, least of all yours.”  
Makoto could do nothing but place his free hand over his mouth and raise his face to the sky, trying to calm his breathing. After a while, Rin reached up and gently cupped his face so he could look into his boyfriend’s beautiful green eyes.

“I know you,” he said quietly as he placed their lips together lightly, so that every word felt like a ghost. “I know that it will take a long time for you to forgive yourself, but I just want you to know that I’ve already forgiven you.”

Eventually, they both ending up sitting in the sand, Makoto’s head in Rin’s lap, long fingers running through his messy brown hair. Makoto, completely drained of tears, doesn’t comment on the few that land on his cheek from above.

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to MakoRin week! I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
